Taboos - A Complicated Love

"It’s got more to do with the way I interact with people and my lack of confidence. The things I do and the way I’ve learnt to interact with people are in a female way.”

“It’s got nothing to do with being gay, but if I am only around women and interacting with women ― and they talk in a very different way, about very different things ― it affects me. It’s got more to do with role models.”

I try to keep my eyes on the road as Jared’s words sink in. When I glance over, I can see that Jared is sitting on his hands, leaning forward. I need to understand what he is really saying. His brothers had me and his mother as role models as well, but Jared was the neediest of all. And I didn’t notice. As a minister, I was juggling so many balls at the time. I was often away from home and emotionally preoccupied with all the needy people around me. Is he saying that his mom was a stronger influence in his life and therefore she became his role model? Maybe that’s what Jared is saying and he’s just being nice because he doesn’t want me to feel bad.

So do I need to beat myself up with guilt because I wasn’t there for you? I ask hesitatingly.

Jared continues without really answering my question.

“I can understand your need to find a reason for me being gay, and what caused me to be different from what you expected. For me, it’s no longer important. I can’t find the root, and I have thought about it quite a bit.”

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